Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Right Where I Want To Be

For the last year or so I have been examining my life. I'm approaching mid thirties and it has me kind of in a panic. When I was younger there was always "time" to do things. You know, when I "grow up". But now I look at my life and see that I am all grown up with four little ones, that frankly aren't so little anymore. Is this where I thought I would be? Is this where I want to be? Is there more I could be doing?

These questions have really plagued me over the past year. To be honest, the answers to these questions change with the day of the week. There are days that I couldn't possibly want more, and those days when I wonder if I will ever have what I want and or need. It is always changing. But what I worry about most is my husband. Does he have what he wants and/or desires? Am I helping him achieve his dream? Am I holding him back?

First of all, myself. I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom with lots of kids. Check! I got that down. But it is the little things contained inside that dream that don't exactly look right. I find myself babysitting for extra money. Something I really hate doing. Not that I don't like other peoples kids, that's not it. It's admitting that my husband's work doesn't provide enough. That is what I hate. It's not being able to get the furniture I need to provide a comfy home, or the supplies, like paint, to make what we have more inviting that gets on my nerves. I guess I had an unrealistic view of staying home. I had hoped I could do with my home what I wanted, but money has really gotten in my way.

Vacations, I remembered taking vacations with my family as a kid. Camping or just going to the dells was enough to create great memories. But that is something we never do now. At least not all together. I go without my husband. Working for himself has created some extra time for himself. But more often than not he is always working, and if he's not, then we don't have the money to take vacations. That is a problem with his line of work that I really don't care for. But I hate telling him that.

Date nights are another one of those things that never happen like I would like. Just once or twice a month would be good for me. But it is hard to find a sitter for those evenings out, and when you do, you end up spending your life savings just to go to a dinner, movie and pay for a sitter. So that is something that doesn't happen.

Not to mention the Log home I would love to live in, or the acreage surrounding our property giving us lots of land to roam, and privacy. Some of my dreams are just too big for our income right now. And I kind of panic and think that they will NEVER happen. Then I get all weepy on why would God give us such strong desires just to leave them unfulfilled. It really is a dangerous road to travel down. So I don't often go that way. Instead I think of all the things I love about my life, and what is REALLY important.

I am married to the father of all my children (difficult and rare in today's society), I have four healthy children. They are able to attend a private school. We have a great home with a large yard (another oddity in the city). We have great extended families and lots of friends. We own our own businesses and have no debt (besides our mortgage). Life really is good. Sure there is a lot more that I want to accomplish, and most of it revolves around money and not having enough. But this is the Land Of Opportunity, and my life is not done yet.

But what about my husband? Is he happy? Is he satisfied? I know the answers to that. They mirror my own. But I am so thankful we get to do this thing called life together. We get to grow and dream as a team. We are going to keep our eyes on the ball and not give up. We have made a good life for our family so far, and there is still a lot of life to live. There is no destination, only the journey. We are determined to enjoy the journey, and not let the idea of a destination ruin what we have now.

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